Messages of the past.

I was reading through old livejournal entries tonight. That’s why I’m still awake. I got all wrapped up reading things I wrote almost eight years ago and it’s weird, and kind of embarassing haha. I was 19 when I started writing on there and all I talked about were my boyfriend troubles, my college life/issues and my roommate issues. I’m sorry to any of you who were subjected to that haha. I used weird analogies and had a strange writing style back then… almost like I was trying too hard to sound smart (and my sense of humour was abominable – not that it’s much better now). I wish me now could go back to me then and pass on my words of wisdom, having experienced a little bit more of life and being more worldly. For one, I would have told 19-year-old Chantelle to dump that loser boyfriend instead of riding it out for another two years.
It’s embarassing to see how naive and illogical I was. I haven’t read a lot of this stuff since I wrote it, so I’m reading a lot of it going, “Oh my god, did I actually say that? Did I actually let people read that? Did I actually DO THAT?” So many vulnerabilities exposed. I’ve known for the last five years that I was so disturbingly insecure when Chris and I were together, and I can see it so much in these things I was writing. Looking back on them I found myself cringing a little at some of the things I was actually panicking about. I wrote one blog entry about how Chris’s DJ friend offered to give him a free ticket to some concert in Detroit, but he was supposed to go to this thing alone with her… and I was writing things like, “He’s going to be alone with her in a car for 3 hours. And they’re going to be at the show together until probably close to midnight. WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO!?!?” ahaha. Wow… I was so bothered by the dumbest things… so insecure over nothing. The saddest part should be that I was like that at all, but I think that just has to do with age; it’s actually that other people saw me in this state and I never knew how bad I looked until now. Maybe I shouldn’t have read it and just remained blissfully ignorant haha. I came across another entry where I was griping about the fact that Chris wasn’t taking the time to talk to me when he was at his grandparents’ house on Christmas Day, just because he promised to be online at a certain time, or whatever… and I was not at all cognitive of the fact that it was Christmas, and that it might just be possible that if I didn’t hear from him that I should leave it alone and talk to him another time. I had pasted some message he sent me on ICQ from his grandparents’ house of him asking me to please stop sending him nasty messages on ICQ because his uncle was sitting at the computer and reading them as they popped up. And I didn’t even care. Jesus christ, I must have looked like a total psycho. I know I was 19-21, but still… that’s so embarassing.
I came across another one where his friend was telling me he doesn’t think Chris treats me right and that he’s sometimes there when Chris and I would argue or when we’d be on the phone together… and we were talking about something and I said, “Well I’m just lucky he doesn’t cheat on me. I know he doesn’t, but I hope he never does” and his friend’s response was “I don’t know…” and I somehow didn’t catch the hint he was obviously trying to give me. And of course enlightened me is reading this having an epiphany, because I hadn’t seen this entry in so long that it was like reading something I’d never seen before… and I’m thinking to myself, “Idiot… how did you get handed a clue like that and it took another year and a half to catch on?”
It’s just funny reading what I was like eight years ago… what I considered to be catastrophic and where my focuses were, and how easily I let myself be walked all over. I read things I had completely forgotten about, too… like how one of my college professors randomly reminded us in class one day about how other professors have successfully sued their students for slander, and that we should bear that in mind… and there I was using the lab computers every day to access my journal and my website where professor slander was clearly occurring haha. And I didn’t seem to figure out that it might have had something to do with me.
In a way I miss being that age because I didn’t take anything seriously. I didn’t have any serious cares or concerns. When you’re 19 you think you’re going to live forever because none of the big questions you start to ask yourself later have come up yet. All that matters is school, your friends and maybe a part-time job. I’d love to have nothing bigger to worry about. Pre-debt, pre-car, pre-real life. And becoming another year older into the “upper eschalons” seems to take forever, whereas now I feel like a year passes a little too quickly. I’m starting to resent the next birthday and I’m only 26. I did have a lot of fun, though. My times spent in Kitchener were some of the best years of my life. There are just so many memories because it was my first experience being off on my own and… everything was so fresh and exciting. Now I feel like a stale piece of bread haha.
I would never delete these entries though, no matter how humiliating they are… because it’s good to go back and see them every once in a while, if for no other reason than to be reminded of what I used to be like. Time changes us so much. I don’t recognize the old me because she was so different than I am now. My values have changed, my perspectives have certainly changed… especially when it comes to guys. Hurt will make you jaded and a lot smarter the next time it happens. I’ve been burned a few times and I find that although it sucks, it makes dealing with tough situations a little more bearable when you’re dealt with it before. I’ve matured, obviously. I just hope I don’t come back to read these entries 10 years from now and feel the same way I do about reading them from when I was 20.


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