It’s a strange feeling finding out your ex boyfriend is engaged. I’ve known for a long time that he was in a long-term serious relationship, and it’s never bothered me. His engagement doesn’t phase me either… I got over the guy four years ago. But when I saw he was engaged it was a little shocking. I guess that’s normal? Every once in a while I look at his Facebook profile just to see what he’s up to. I’m not a creep, but who doesn’t have that normal human curiosity?

When we broke up, that was it. We never spoke again, except for the couple lousy post-mortem conversations we had when I was going back and forth trying to decide if I could speak to him on a friend basis. I couldn’t do it, so I just got snotty with him and stopped taking his calls. I blamed him a lot for the breakup, but I was 21 when we split up and we were really young with a lot of growing up to do. As I’ve gotten older I’ve looked back and seen my own mistakes, and how naive and insecure I was. Jesus, he was a saint for putting up with my nonsense for so long. It was my first serious boyfriend, and I had major issues with things like jealousy… and I was constantly nagging at him for dumb shit. The entire 3.5 years we were together were spent as a long-distance relationship, which was a major contributor to its downfall. It’s no wonder the dude called it quits on me haha. But man, did that ever kill me when we broke up. It felt like my entire world had fallen apart. I’d never experienced a pain like that in my life, and because it was my first love it hurt like hell to lose him. And I couldn’t conceive of carrying on a platonic relationship with someone I was madly in love with, but couldn’t be with… so I got mean. Sure, he was a major asshole at times and honesty wasn’t his strength, but we both had our flaws.

I tried reconnecting with him back in 2007, 2 years after we broke up, just to touch base. And we had a brief conversation in which he didn’t seem too interested in hearing from me, but I had a euphoria because in my mind, I thought I was recreating a different kind of relationship with him (a friendship) that I could manage since I was over him at that point… and without thinking much about my potential audience I went and blogged about it. I didn’t think anybody knew the link to my blog because it was something I just kind of did whenever I had something to talk about, but somehow someone he knows found it and left me a nasty comment something along the lines of, “Five minutes of conversation could just mean he doesn’t care. What a fucking idiot you are”, and then the blog got mysteriously deleted. I think I had made the mistake of saying publicly, “I’m glad to have some kind of a relationship with him again” in the hopes that we’d be friends who could keep in touch. Someone misinterpreted that as me pining for him after all that time, and publicly made me look like a fool
(well I guess I did that to myself by writing about it in the first place). It sucked because I actually just legitimately wanted to catch up.

Well fast forward to finding out he’s engaged… we ended our relationship on such an awful note that I kind of wish it’d been a little kinder so that we could have maintained contact and just become friends who still keep in touch, because I would have congratulated him and said lots of wonderful things. Somewhere in the back of my heart I still hold a grudge that I’m not able to do that, because I’m 26 now and nothing about me is the same as it was when I was 21.

Oh well. I wish him all the best nonetheless.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s