It’s been a shitty week.

So this is kind of embarassing to admit, but I’ve re-entered the world of online ‘fishing’. What am I thinking? There are two perfectly beautiful men I have the hots for here in town, who suit my taste to a tee, but I don’t have the guts or confidence to talk to them on my own, and I don’t possess the belief that they’d even want me to. I use the whole “I don’t make the first move because I’m a princess” excuse, and it’s true, but without that I wouldn’t have the courage to do it anyway.

I’ve done POF a few times now, and I always end up leaving because the same type of guy always messages me, and it’s never my type of guy. This time I tried to be very specific about what I like, and I still get messages from all the wrong ones. I get messaged by an “athletic” guy whose only picture is of his backside (meaning you’d probably have to put a paper bag over his head if you actually saw it) and a guy whose dark picture looked like he was about 300 lbs. Wonderful.

These online dating sites… I don’t know. I even said in my profile “This site is a breeding ground for creeps.” You couldn’t keep them away with an electric bug raquet. All I want is this:

Is that asking too much? I tried to verbally describe what I like, and apparently the eligible bachelors of POF took “stocky, tattoos, piercings, shaved head and a bit of a bad boy” as meaning obese, balding and equipped with all sorts of cheeseball lines which scream, “I’m horny and middle-aged and can’t afford a sports car to really fit the cliche of midlife crisis, so want to go on a hot date, and I say hot because I’m trying to show that I’m confident, but the mere fact that I masked it with calling you baby clearly shows that I’m not?” No, I’m definitely not interested.

And the same ones you keep ignoring keep messaging you the second you come online, and there’s no way to hide your online status unless you hide your entire profile, and then nobody can see your profile. I don’t know why the site does that. You should have the option.

I’ve had a few decent guys message me, but none of them are really my type and I don’t want to answer, strictly because I know a response is encouragement for more communication, which I don’t want… but I don’t want to be rude to the non-slimey guys. The problem with POF and its sister sites is they create a preconceived expectation of something developing. Even if you put that you’re only looking for friends, guys you talk to and potentially meet expect that you already like them that way when you agree to go out for coffee, and then you have to deal with the awkwardness in the future when they try to reconnect. It’s like a pre-paved road to a relationship, even if you’re not looking for one. Ick. It’s not like that when you meet people casually in real life without online aids like POF. If you just happen to meet some guy and you become friends, neither of you expects that anything is going to develop because you weren’t thrown together by some force that creates that expectation.

I’m making my own head spin. Enough with POF. I’m just going to delete my account anyway.

And speaking of deleting, I finally did that the other day to someone I seriously cared about. Since I can’t go back in time and erase what has now caused me an entire year of pain (it’ll be the one-year anniversary since I last saw him on Monday), I substituted with Facebook’s “delete this friend” button. I’ve written about him numerous times on here, but I probably hid most of them. I’ve loved two men in my life, and he was the second. I cannot believe how hurt I was over it. For what an independent woman I am, who preaches a mandate of not letting a man control your emotions, I am more fragile than I’m led to believe and I hate to admit it. He crushed the living soul right out of me. I went from wanting nothing to do with him, to being sucked in to him, falling in love with him, and being left to pick up the pieces all over again. He’s the last man I expected to do this to me. I still cry over this and it’s embarassing to admit, but at least I finally did the right thing. It took me a really long time to do something so brainless. I kept clinging to the belief that I’d finally hear from him – finally get the e-mail I’d been waiting for. But I’ve accepted that it’s just never going to happen and I’m tired of subjecting myself to disappointment. I don’t know how anyone could be okay with themselves knowing they’ve hurt someone so badly. I did this to someone just last year and it felt awful to know I’d done that to another person… especially since I knew how it felt to be that person.

I’ve been really depressed over this for a long time. I’ve been depressed about a lot of things lately, but that’s been the hardest one to deal with. The ironic thing is that when he was pursuing me and I wasn’t initially interested, I happened to be sitting in my cabin one night listening to music on my computer and Amanda Marshall’s song “Why don’t you love me” came on and made me think about him. It’s not that he loved me, but the idea behind the song that we’re all so familiar with… chashing someone who doesn’t want you… reminded me of him. I pictured him watching me with that disappointed expression he used to get, wanting me and not understanding why I didn’t reciprocate. And after that, every time I heard that song I’d think about that, and I slowly started to come around to him. And now the roles are reversed and it’s my song for him. Why doesn’t he love me?

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