I’m having a real shitty time right now. I’ve been in a crapass mood for the last little while (last year, really). It seems like everything has to fall apart at once. I’m struggling to be happy right now, and I don’t mean that in a serious way. I just mean that I’m down and depressed more often than I am happy. And it’s the little things that get to me. I’ve always been a moody person, but lately any little irritation is setting me off like a bundle of fireworks. A lot of bullshit has happened to me in the last year and it’s kept me at the equivalent of the poverty line in terms of levels of happiness. I haven’t bounced back and there’s just very little to look forward to right now. I wouldn’t feel the need to say this, but I have family members and friends who have hyper exaggerated personalities, and I feel the need to clarify for any of them not to read in to this too seriously. It’s just me having a crappy month and writing about it. I haven’t written about it and it’s long overdue.
First was the Pierre issue… which never resolved itself. I finally deleted him, after trying to bring myself to do it for the last 6 months or so, because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I had real, deep feelings for the guy and he pissed all over my heart. He couldn’t even be bothered to respond to the happy birthday message I sent him. It doesn’t make any sense. He sent me one for my birthday. I don’t know what happened between me leaving the arctic and now. He had this idea in his head that he was going to come and see me, and he was going to keep in touch with me on a regular basis, and… he even sent the first e-mail. And then just never replied to me after that. I’ve been through this nonsense with guys so many times, and you’d think I’d have come a long way… but when it comes down to it, I’m still as fragile as I was the first time. I’ve gotten a little used to it. I don’t wallow over it for quite as long, and I’m a little tougher than I was in the beginning… but the rejection always stings just as badly as it ever did. It’s easier to deal with it when it’s someone you just have a crush on, but it crushes the living soul out of you when it comes from someone you love. I’ve been crying over this and thinking about it since I left in October of last year. It’s been a year. And so help me god if someone calls me crazy. Is it so wrong to be honest with myself about how this all feels?
But I had to delete him. It was hard because I kept hanging on to the idea that I’d hear from him. The birthday wish he sent me had me hopeful because the title read “long overdue”, which I took to mean he acknowledged that it was a long time coming… so I figured I’d eventually get the e-mail I was waiting for. But it just sucked too much to be online and happen to open the window and see him hanging around online, or see that he was active on Facebook. I couldn’t look at that anymore. And to be truthful, it’s been easier on me since I deleted him because I don’t have to see it anymore. And I hate how vulnerable I am/look by the very thing I REJECT making any woman vulnerable – men. I’m a real spokesperson about not letting men do that to you… and I’m the biggest hypocrite and I hate everything about it. Normally when women say their heads aren’t in the right place to get involved with someone, it’s an excuse to get away from someone they don’t like. But with me, it’s the truth. I’m a little too fucked up to want anything to do with men right now. I went back on POF just to see what’s out there and it’s the same bullshit as always; only the losers like to message you.