I’m in a bummer of a mood tonight. It just hit me out of nowhere. Sometimes that happens. I’ll feel blue, out of the blue, and I’ll cry a little and shake it off, and things will be fine again. This is the first time I really turned on the satellite to watch something and it seems everything that’s come on has been movies with really depressing scenes – and about family. That dominoed into me thinking about my own family, and here I am.
I miss my parents. It’s been bugging me for a long time that I don’t see them enough. Even when I was living there, I didn’t see them enough because I spent too much time hiding since we’d otherwise be all over each other. Now that I’m out on my own, and in a new relationship, I’m really not seeing them enough. And that’s my fault. I should be a lot smarter than this. I should be dividing my time more fairly, but it gets difficult. Everyone knows that a new relationship serves as a great distraction and sucks up all your attention. It’s unavoidable.
I think about them all the time, though. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about my folks and how much I love them and how good they’ve been to me. I feel guilty that they’re always telling me how much they love me and how proud of me they are, and knowing they would do anything for me… and I hardly see them these days. It’s shitty of me. It breaks my heart a little when they complain about never being able to get ahold of me. They ask me a dozen questions when they do talk to or see me, because they’re so behind in what’s new with my life. Truthfully, I miss them.
I guess the combination of family drama and a number of other things plays a large role in that. I’m not just being a jerk, but the state of my family is always so fragile and there’s nothing I can do about it. The only control I have over it is not being around it – not exposing myself to it. I hate being around them when everything is positive, and all of a sudden you end up in the middle of an explosion. And you don’t know where it came from. It drags me down. I really don’t have that much to stress about in my life, yet I’m not even 25 and I’m already facing high blood pressure from wearing the stress and worries of others on myself. Can it be possible that my hypochondria and constant worry could be a result of my environment?
Well anyway… regardless of the reasons why I don’t see or talk to my parents enough, it’s not a good enough excuse. If they ever read this, I apologize. I’ll try.